Wanted: Child Interpreter!

Yesterday at breakfast, my daughter says to me,

"Mom, I think I should stay home from school today.  When I'm at school and Madame asks a question, I always put up my hand.  It just shoots up; I can't even control it!!  Sometimes I don't even know the answer."

Mom (aka Me!) is bemused, bewildered and curious.  "Why do you need to stay home because of that?"  A legitimate question, I think.

"So I can rest my voice," she replies with all the duh-ness her eight year old self can muster.  Which is a lot, actually.

Request denied (whilst stifling a sigh and a giggle).  Off to school she goes.

Shortly after she leaves, a school about a half hour out of town calls with a sub job for me.  I accept it, and hustle my way out to work.  Just as I pull into the parking lot, my cell phone rings.  It's my daughter.

"Mom. I really don't think I should be at school.  I have a sore throat, my head hurts and I feel sick."

Ah. Obvious, really.

Gratitude

Today I am thankful for....

You. And you.  And you!  I am richly blessed with a wonderful circle of family and friends.  Thank-you for being lights in my life.  For supporting me.  For challenging me to grow and learn and be my best self.

My body.  It allows me to climb mountains. And downward dog. And comfort with hugs. And be creative.  And give a nap spot for purring cats. And feel sunshine or rain, smell flowers- physically appreciate the fullness of life.

My lifestyle.  I have everything I need.  I get some of what I want.  And I have the ability to share with those that may not.  I like that our family has to make choices on how we spend our money. I am grateful that priorities lead us to family activities and extra-curricular enrichment for Avery rather than toys and electronics that keep us separate and insular (although we certainly enjoy a little of that too).

This beautiful fall!  Every drop of sunshine is golden delight to me!

My spirit.  I am grateful that I live in a time and place where I can explore the connectedness of every living thing, how to live in balance and harmony with others and our earth and be given opportunities to grow as a human being. And I can do so with freedom, without oppression in whatever avenue speaks to me.  In fact, I can travel several avenues at once! What an abundance of opportunity!!

Work.  My two jobs offer me an interesting outlet for my creativity, opportunities to make a small difference in the world, an invitation to playfulness and bring many wonderful people into my life.

Panning for 'jewels' at Prairie Gardens!

Avery almost went into the haunted house this year.  Three steps is better than none:0)

Climbing haybales=itchy underwear.  Now you know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Climbing a mountain...

Several weeks ago (already!!!!) I went to Canmore for a yoga retreat hosted by a friend.  I posted about some of the goings on before but I still wanted to say a little about climbing the mountain.

It was on the itinerary- this hike.  I was fully aware that this would be happening.  Aware in the way that you know what the words mean.  Just not what they mean exactly.  On the itinerary was a note to dress in layers for the hike and be prepared for all weather.  Here I am without such said outdoor mountaineering layers, but I figured that I could just see what the weather was before we left, and dress accordingly.  No biggie, right?  We'll see how the logic born of my innocence comes back to haunt me!

Lunches and water bottles packed, weather checked and convoy arranged, we headed out to a trail somewhere near Spray Lakes.  The drive itself took us through some stunning scenery and we parked at one of many nondescript dip-to-the-side parking spots along the lake.  To the left was the lake- that special glacier blue that never fails to take my breath away!  To the right a mountain loomed overhead, covered with thick, impassable brush.  I took in the scenery and tried to discern where along the lake the trail would lead.  No matter where we went, the sights were guaranteed to be stunning!

Imagine my surprise when we were led across the road into what I had previously assessed as impassable brush and vegetation.  It was agreed that we would hike the first portion in silence, contemplatively.  Reverently too, I thought-  impossible not to in a place like this. Once we crossed the road, the trail became apparent and we were off!

The first 5 minutes or so were lovely.  All up, of course, but the trail was comfortable to walk on. We were surrounded by interesting sights and a deep silence that made me feel my smallness magnified.  Yet not in a daunting way; there was a strange power in that feeling.  I may be small, but I am here.  I may be small, but I make ripples in the world.  I may be small, but I am climbing this mountain.

After the first 5 minutes the trail got tougher and a dim realization started to filter through haze to conscious thought.  I am not climbing this mountain with normal people.  I am climbing this mountain with what could possibly be described as centaur-people cleverly disguised as normal people.  I recalled an earlier conversation where one of the members talked of her love of climbing mountain trails and how she made a bit of a competition with herself to make sure no one passed her on her hikes.  I began to struggle, and fell behind a bit.  Okay.  I realized I would have to take this at my own pace and not try to keep up with the centaur-people.  Nor did I want to spoil their enjoyment of the climb with worry for me.  A mental battle ensued amongst myself for awhile...  I trudged along, alternating between feelings of scorn for myself for not being able to hike up a mountain as quickly as the others and a determination to be forgiving of my self and my inexperience.

I am not sure how much longer we had been hiking, but at this point I was quite far behind and had been passed by a few other groups.  Maybe mere minutes, or quite possibly it was decades but I realized that I might not make it all the way to the top!  I sat down to rest.  And the inner dialog stopped.  I became aware of where I was.  I really started to take in the magnificence of this half-mounted mountain.  And a curious sense of peace settled over me along with the depth of the solitude there on the mountainside.  I started to 'get' why people were passionate about this sport.  I started to sense the great truths that live among those silent, solitary trees.

I sat and closed my eyes.  I listened to the call of birds in the distance, the gentle rustling of a breeze in the canopy, the lulling drone of insects going about their work.  I realized then and there that I might not make it to the top.  That I might not see the rest of my group until they were on their descent and in a weird twist had caught up to me!  And I realized that it did not matter one way or the other.  I would make it. Or I would not.  And the point was not that accomplishment or failure.  The point of climbing on this mountain was much higher than it's summit. The point was this feeling of peace.  This quiet acceptance of myself- as a person with strengths and weaknesses, gifts and deficits.  This understanding that this moment alone, separated from the group, was itself a gift as I would not otherwise have had the solitude to just 'be'.

The view from the first 'plateau'.  Our vehicles are by the lake!

The view from 'my' spot.  How can a mere picture capture the majesty?

A member of the humming chorus.

This is me- reunited with my group and acutely aware that I do not love climbing mountains.  I did realize, however, that I love being on mountains!

 In the end, I made it to the top. And it was wonderful.  But not as uplifting as that moment half-way to the top when I wrestled with myself and won.

The alpine meadow at the summit of our climb.  A sunny place for a meal and community.

One last note should you feel the need to find your spot of peace on a mountainside.  Wear layers.  In any weather.  You climb.  You sweat.  You turn a corner and are blasted with a chill mountain breeze.  You turn a corner and find yourself in a sheltered sunny meadow. You need layers- probably the expensive kinds with high tech fabrics.  Not jeans, tank top and hoodie.  And you might want better shoes than round-heeled shape-ups...

And one more last note.  My companions were not really centaurs- just regular humans with more mountain experience than I.

And a for real last note.  It hurts just as much to come down a mountain as it does to go up it.  

Garden Bliss

How I love our little garden in the side yard.  Only 4 feet wide, we manage to grow ingredients for salsa and other things we love.  This year looks like our best year ever- we've even managed to grow cucumbers, something that has eluded us for 5 years!  We've planted seeds every year, but never grew a plant.  Excepting last year, when we didn't plant any cukes and were surprised when something suspiciously cucumberish popped up.  (It turned out to be a pumpkin plant sprouted from the seeds left to compost.  But the delight we felt was REAL dammit!)

This year the cucumbers are the stars.  Seriously.  We've grown the best tasting cukes on the planet.  Not sure what kind we planted, but I don't think they are the kind you turn into dill pickles.  Maybe a long english or field cucumber?  Of course, we are getting more than we can eat, so it is fun to play cucumber fairy and randomly deliver around to friends and neighbours.

Is there any ode to a cucumber songs?  There should be, cuz I want to sing it to these yummy guys!

These little orange mini tomatoes taste just like sunshine!

Look at my poor tomato plants!  They were so burdened that they actually crushed the tomato cage and fell right over!  This happened last year too, so I was extra careful placing the cages this year.  I guess next year I will stake them as well!!!!

Cucumber plants are well designed to hide their precious babies!  Better fun than a 'Where's Waldo' picture!

We should even get a decent amount of corn this year.

:0)

Jayme

Little bit of memory lane....

We have spent the past couple of weeks picking away at transforming the former playroom into a study.  Finally last night we were ready to move all the office things that have been stored like squirrel nuts in hidden corners of the house.  In cleaning out those spots I found a little treasure: A little notebook where I recorded some Avery stories from when she was two and three years old.  Some of my favourites follow:

Avery: How big am I Mama?
Mom: Let's measure and see. (We measure her against the wall).
Mom: You are 37 inches!
Avery: Wow!!!!!
Dad: Hey! That's three feet, one inch!!!!!
Avery (very seriously): No Dad. I only have two feet!

Avery: The worker's must be fixing my brain!!!!  I can hear again!!! (Avery had a cold and her ears were plugged.)

Avery: Mom! I have a cat in my throat.  It feels pretty scratchy!!!!

What made you smile this week?

On Bliss

I spent this past weekend at a yoga retreat in Canmore.  It was organized by a good friend and was facilitated by Meranda Squires.  I have never attended a weekend like this and was immediately curious when the invitation came around.  I agreed to come because I have an immense amount of respect for my friend and was looking forward to spending some quality time with her.  I know nothing of yoga or yoga philosophies but 'have curiosity, will travel' as I told my husband.  (Quite unrelated to agreeing to attend the retreat, I have started going to a local yoga studio. I still know nothing much more than how very far I have to go.)

So, I didn't really think about what I was getting into, or what might be involved.  I figured I would get to spend time with a friend I don't get to see enough of, that I would meet some interesting new people and might get a little kick in the pants to get me moving and angled towards some healthy activity.  Even when the agenda came a week or so before the weekend listing yoga philosophy and meditation sprinkled amongst the meals, hikes and yoga sessions I didn't clue in.


There I was Friday night feeling quite satisfied after making the drive all by myself (without having gotten onto the scenic route once) and experiencing the first of many satisfying community vegetarian meals.  I have to admit, I didn't even really get what was going on as we were organized into a circle and instructed into a comfortable, precise sitting position.  Meranda has a lovely, soothing voice and I listened as she began a guided meditation, feeling peaceful and content.  Eventually we were asked to think about the feeling of bliss... and then left to do so for ??? minutes.  And so I was mentally immersed in the simple pleasure of the bright burst of sweetness  from the sun-warmed cherry that explodes in your mouth with the gentlest of pressure from impatient teeth.  The feeling that settles around you those few moments after sexual release where you are both completely relaxed and alive in every cell of your body.  The sound of my daughter's voice drowsily speaking as she returns from some far off thought saying, "I love you, Mom." The fresh cup of coffee that greets me every morning, sitting there on my night stand enticing me to alertness, placed there by my husband- a gesture of love and care.  The warm comfort of a cat curled in your lap, purring, trust-filled.  It was lovely.

We were called back to awareness of the room, and began a discussion of using this feeling of 'bliss' in a practiced and regular way.  To meditate on it often, to access it and promote systemic well-being and calmness.  This is in fact when it began to dawn on me.  Meditation. I lost the train of conversation as I tried to wrap my head around this experience.  I just meditated.

I went to bed still thinking about the experience. Thinking about the ability to call up the feeling of bliss at will.  Like wherever, whenever. Maybe even continuously.  And I started to wonder if that was even a good idea.... What if it robbed the extraordinariness from those unbidden and unexpected moments of bliss that startle you to the present- to take notice of the here and now?  What if because you could experience bliss at a time convenient to you those organic moments of perfection would slip past unnoticed, unremarked? Should the feeling of bliss be another thing to schedule into our busy lives?  Would it be like a drug where your dose needs to get bigger and bigger to have any effect, only to bring you to a crash too painful to allow you the freedom to exist away from the feeling?

I fell asleep thinking that I probably think too much.  Not that I thought up an answer to the above questions.  Someone wiser that me must know and maybe one day they will share.

Will I make meditation a regular part of my life?  I don't know that either.  I do many things already to manage stress from creative pursuits to visualization (I have more on this later, but I found the spot I imagine on a mountain top of all places!!) and breathing techniques.  If I do add meditation to my repertoire, I don't think it would be in a group setting.  At this point, sitting in the approved posture for an extended period of time is physically uncomfortable for me and as it was delicately pointed out to me this weekend, my discomfort makes others feel distracted and uneasy.  I was embarrassed to learn that needing to shift to regain blood flow to my toes interrupts the concentration of others.  Maybe one day...

What I do know is that I am fascinated with this process, and am open to more understanding of meditation benefits.  That the weekend was much more than I ever imagined it would be.  For my body.  For my mind.  For my soul.

Namaste. Peace.

A lesson and a few cats' lives!

To those of you with perfect children, I have a confession.  Mine is not perfect.  She negotiates everything.  She doesn't want to do her chores. She is perplexed by the subtleties of friendships and can be a force to reckon with.  She has many talents and lots of potential and has yet to find that thing that grabs her so passionately that she is driven to understand nuances and give more than surface effort to it. She rarely listens the first time she is told something and frequently will go ahead and do what she's been asked not to just for the experience of it all.  It is the last that brings us to 'the lesson'.

On Friday, she had the notion to tie a skipping rope around her cat.  Not sure why but I am guessing that she wanted to walk the cat.  This was not her first attempt at tying a rope to the cat.  She has been caught many times before and warned not to do this.  She has probably been hearing this rule for at least 4 years.  What can I say?  I give her bonus points for perseverance and determination...

Back to Friday.  Cat with skipping rope tied around it's middle.  Cat escapes and heads for the hills, presumably fearing for it's life.  A sweep of the neighbourhood turns up nothing.  

Saturday morning came, but the cat did not.  Avery doesn't mention the cat, yet seems off all day.  Edgy, clingy, unfocused.  A full day ensues, adventures happen, but not a word from her.  After supper I went out and searched farther afield for the cat, scouring the nearby golf course and adjoining streets with no luck.  Bedtime came and although she was obviously tired she had trouble settling down and getting to sleep.  After a series of requested cuddles and other delay tactics, she finally fell asleep- for about an hour.  She woke up confused, crying, and certain that she had not fallen asleep and that she wouldn't ever sleep again. We sat her down and asked what was going on.  She finally sobbed, "I guess I am feeling guilty."  We comforted her and then made a plan for what we could do to find the cat in the morning.  She went off to bed, this time to a better sleep.

By this time, I was really starting to worry about the cat, hoping that she had freed herself from the rope and was sulking somewhere near.  But more than that, I was worried for Avery.  While I was glad to see her dealing with her mistake honestly and truly working to make things right I was afraid that the lesson would go too far.  I didn't want a serious injury or even Nina's death on her conscience either.  Although we've explained all the reasons tying up a cat is a bad idea, her limited life experience prevents her from truly understanding the consequences. My heart hurt.

Sunday morning Avery started on a poster as soon as she got out of bed.  Before posting them around the neighbourhood, we planned to do some more walking around looking for Nina and hoping to find an abandoned skipping rope.  We walked for a couple of hours along the far side of the golf course where there is less development and more mice.  No luck.  Returned home for water and to regroup, more worried than ever.  After a rest, we headed back out to search the area I covered the night before.  Maybe this time...

We got to the end of our street when we heard a frightened yowl and quickly located the source as a large, dense pine tree.  There we found Nina! The rope was wrapped around the lower branches and she was trapped.  We unraveled her and brought her home.  She promptly fell asleep- a deep intense sleep even for a cat.  She was exhausted!!  I don't know if she was trapped in the tree for all this time, but we walked past it several times and she said nothing.  If she hadn't spoken up, we would never have spotted her there, the branches were so thick.

After several hours of sleep, Nina stirred and moved all the way to my lap.  She purred her love and gratitude for an hour and I dared not budge, sitting there in a quiet and rapidly darkening room.  When Avery went to bed, Nina joined her, laying across her legs and purring her forgiveness.  Avery beamed, quivering under the sheets.  "I am shivering with delight!", said she. Nina spent the whole night curled up by Avery's side.  When she woke, she ate and drank and is now perched in a window sill, peacefully surveying the yard.

So.  A lesson learned.  A few lives removed from Nina's collection.  Heartache and celebration.   As my clever and astute friend Kathy put it, "If we could, every one of us would spare our children from all pain. And we would have kids with no compassion, no caring, and no understanding."

My child is a work in progress... and perfect to me.